Sometimes when I come here there really is nothing specific that I have to say, just emotions that lead me here. I've learned and continue to learn so much about 'this', being a parent with a loss, being the parent of a stillborn baby. None of it makes sense. I always thought that there was always a 'reason' for stillbirths. That with today's medical technology that no baby could be born lifeless and there be no reason behind it. I've learned that I am wrong. Babies are delivered everyday in this world, in medically advanced countries, and have no life. I feel moved to share my story to help find answers. We know the reason that 'Jenni' didn't live. We know that there was a cord accident. But I just can't believe that there had to be something that we could have done to know ahead of time to save her. Perhaps parents should have a way in the last trimester to do daily home checks of their babies. I don't know the answer, I just know that there has to be one. This pain is misery. It takes a little more of my life each and everyday. There has to be a reason for my loss, maybe my story, our story... mine & Chris' will help another mommy & daddy to never have to say goodbye the same time that they say hello.

I am thinking about October 15th and what I will do. There is a memorial service happening in the next town over. A candle lighting. To honor the babies gone. I so badly want to go, I just don't know if I am strong enough, especially to go alone. Do I go and just silently remember, do I go and speak out? Do I go and just watch? I guess there is no 'right' answer. I doubt that Chris will go. I understand. This is private to him. He needs to handle this the only way he knows how. I have to respect that. It doesn't mean that he ever wants another family to lose a baby or that he wouldn't do what he could to stop it from happening to someone else. It just means that we all grieve differently. He has been blessed in his life to not have to deal with much death and this is the ultimate in death. Even if this is someone that he never met, it IS someone that he 'knew'. Jenni was his daughter and he had hopes and dreams and love for her and their future together as father and daughter just as I did. We dream of our tomorrows for our children, their education, their first steps, college, future spouses & weddings.... when you lose a child all of those dreams are ripped away along with your heart. Chris never even had the chance to see our daughter in real life, only in pictures and now it is to late. //// So on October 15th what do I do? I know that I will mourn my baby. This loss is so different. I pray for a day when stillbirths are a thing of medical history. But for Chris and I, for so many parents; it will always remain our realities.