*** A Major Crisis *** 12 weeks since she was born...

I have not been able to do this blog justice as I had hoped. I do hope to be able to return here soon. However when I went to pick up my baby girl's ashes last week they were unable to find them. Yes, in a simple sentence, they have lost my daughter's remains. My heart was already crushed from losing her. I don't know how much more I can take. It is a legal issue and as wonderful as Chris was with all of this last weekend, he has been really awful and unsupportive for the last three days. It's almost as if, when I left his house I took the burden and the need to fight for our daughter with me. Anyway, please understand if this blog isn't updated daily as I had hoped, but please do not leave and give up on it. I feel that there is a lot to be learned here. Perhaps this is a lesson in itself. A very wise friend of mine said that miscarried, stillborn and babies that die from early infant death never have a voice of their own and that maybe this is Jenni's way of being heard. Her way of saying 'hey, I WAS here and I am just like my mama... stubborn and want someone to learn something from my exsistance'... This blog is Jenni's voice.

Today it has been twelve weeks since my beautiful baby angel came into the world still and silent. I look at her pictures and she looks like she is crying in one of them. I do internet searches for poems on grief. I walk around aimlessly with no real thought of direction. Survival is even more than I can phathom at this time. I have times where I DON'T want to survive without Jenny here. The song 'Smallest and Wingless' by Craig Cardiff is beautiful. It says more than any parent of a lost child could.... 'We said hello at the same time we said Goodbye'. The thing for me is where the song says .... "We closed the curtains, Held each other, And cried"... I didn't have this. Chris wasn't there, so there was no one there to hold me and to cry with me. The delivery room door closed and everyone left me there alone to process it. I was there alone. No one to hold me, no one to hold and knowing that I would not be taking our baby girl home. Knowing that her siblings would never know her, that her grandparents would never know here... I had no one, no one but my baby when she was born.

Dear 'daughter', we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside

We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside

We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

We closed the curtains
Held on to one another And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

By: Craig Cardiff