Is my baby girl cold today?

I wonder things like that. I know that Jenni's ashes are here (finally). I know that there is a small amt that I wear around my neck every day. But I still wonder on a cold rainy day like today, does she get cold? Does she get lonely? Does she???? I think about having her here with me, snuggled up on the couch in a warm one piece and cozy blanket and just having her beside me. With her sisters and brother(s) running back and forth, speaking as the chaos of a house of 'life' goes about it's daily routine. But my home is no longer a house of life. This house is STILL in mourning. Even as my children are trying to move forward because they are kids and that is what they are supposed to do, move forward; I feel like I interfer in that. I keep them from moving forward completely. I don't know that I will ever be able to move forward. My heart is broken beyond repair and I just don't know if there is a way to put it back together in any way that functions in a reasonable way. I wonder if I will always be in this state of shock. I can't touch or hold someone else's baby. I can't attend baby showers. I can't look at pregnant women without feeling a surge of emotions. I've tried the 'medicated' route, but if this is the meds 'helping' I would hate to even imagine what I would be like without them. I can sit through an entire movie and actually not tell you a thing about what I watched. I find myself answering questions and not knowing what was asked. How long before this gets better? I don't see that it is ever going to get better.

To make matters worse a local florist has been trying for 2 days to deliver flowers here by mistake. NO ONE lives here by the name that you are trying to deliver them to. They have to do with the loss of a baby too. But the person that it is from, I don't know. And I am not the person that it is address to. How can life be so cruel. How can life be so mean. How do people move on.

Chris is off doing his thing. Moving on with his life. I often feel that because we weren't married and because the pregnancy and the loss was not a part of his everyday life, that Jenni was just a blip on his life's screen. The blip is gone and so he moves on. The 'blip', my baby is gone and my life is stuck in 'this place'. A place of pain, hurt, disconnection. I no longer know who I am or where I am going. I often envy Chris and his ability to move on, whether it is real or just out of denial. Today, I would like to trade places with him.

Life is cruel and overwhelming. I want to sleep and forget that breathing and being takes any sort of effort. Because I simply no longer have the effort.

If 'this' is healing, then I can't handle healing either.