'Hopeful'...

***End note, at the beginning. I did not have a title here until just now. I realized that Chris made a statement on the phone to me Tuesday night about being 'hopeful for tomorrow'. It was about something entirely different than what I am discussing here, but that statement just came back to me. And that is my outlook for today, not because I feel like it is one that I am forcing or pushing, but because today... it just seems natural.***

It's early still, but today feels good. It feels hopeful. I will NOT look for that sign from my baby girl that I have been waiting for since her delivery, but I think that I will be more opened to seeing it if it ends up right infront of me. I've been thinking about 'signs' lately. I have wanted, begged and cried for signs from our baby since I become co-herent about a week and a half after her birth. That first week I was only alive because my body didn't have the sense to shut down. But then I started looking for signs and I wonder if she sent me signs that I have just been unable to see because my grief has been so intense. We look for signs, us mommies. It's a way to contact with our babies. But I also think that we are so hurt that we need the signs to be obvious. We need the signs to come with our baby's picture attached or a note from God, something just so that we know that we aren't imagining it. And in that way, I think that we often prevent ourselves from seeing what could be there.

I have a small wooden cross necklace that the teddy bear is supposed to be wearing that holds some of Jenni ashes. When she was missing and that was all that they found, I started wearing it. It is uncomfortable and a bit tight. I think that I need to look around for one of those nice necklaces that I can have some of her remains placed in. Something that I can wear all of the time, this necklace wouldn't be appropriate if I were to be getting dressed up. Hopefully I can find an urn necklace reasonably priced, I've seen them before for $150 or less. That's less than most people spend on computer toys or hair appts, so I am really going to make an effort here. I think that it is something that my heart needs. Now, if I can remember the site that I saw them on before....

(go Yankees!) ;->