I wonder things like that. I know that Jenni's ashes are here (finally). I know that there is a small amt that I wear around my neck every day. But I still wonder on a cold rainy day like today, does she get cold? Does she get lonely? Does she???? I think about having her here with me, snuggled up on the couch in a warm one piece and cozy blanket and just having her beside me. With her sisters and brother(s) running back and forth, speaking as the chaos of a house of 'life' goes about it's daily routine. But my home is no longer a house of life. This house is STILL in mourning. Even as my children are trying to move forward because they are kids and that is what they are supposed to do, move forward; I feel like I interfer in that. I keep them from moving forward completely. I don't know that I will ever be able to move forward. My heart is broken beyond repair and I just don't know if there is a way to put it back together in any way that functions in a reasonable way. I wonder if I will always be in this state of shock. I can't touch or hold someone else's baby. I can't attend baby showers. I can't look at pregnant women without feeling a surge of emotions. I've tried the 'medicated' route, but if this is the meds 'helping' I would hate to even imagine what I would be like without them. I can sit through an entire movie and actually not tell you a thing about what I watched. I find myself answering questions and not knowing what was asked. How long before this gets better? I don't see that it is ever going to get better.
To make matters worse a local florist has been trying for 2 days to deliver flowers here by mistake. NO ONE lives here by the name that you are trying to deliver them to. They have to do with the loss of a baby too. But the person that it is from, I don't know. And I am not the person that it is address to. How can life be so cruel. How can life be so mean. How do people move on.
Chris is off doing his thing. Moving on with his life. I often feel that because we weren't married and because the pregnancy and the loss was not a part of his everyday life, that Jenni was just a blip on his life's screen. The blip is gone and so he moves on. The 'blip', my baby is gone and my life is stuck in 'this place'. A place of pain, hurt, disconnection. I no longer know who I am or where I am going. I often envy Chris and his ability to move on, whether it is real or just out of denial. Today, I would like to trade places with him.
Life is cruel and overwhelming. I want to sleep and forget that breathing and being takes any sort of effort. Because I simply no longer have the effort.
If 'this' is healing, then I can't handle healing either.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
'Hopeful'...
***End note, at the beginning. I did not have a title here until just now. I realized that Chris made a statement on the phone to me Tuesday night about being 'hopeful for tomorrow'. It was about something entirely different than what I am discussing here, but that statement just came back to me. And that is my outlook for today, not because I feel like it is one that I am forcing or pushing, but because today... it just seems natural.***
It's early still, but today feels good. It feels hopeful. I will NOT look for that sign from my baby girl that I have been waiting for since her delivery, but I think that I will be more opened to seeing it if it ends up right infront of me. I've been thinking about 'signs' lately. I have wanted, begged and cried for signs from our baby since I become co-herent about a week and a half after her birth. That first week I was only alive because my body didn't have the sense to shut down. But then I started looking for signs and I wonder if she sent me signs that I have just been unable to see because my grief has been so intense. We look for signs, us mommies. It's a way to contact with our babies. But I also think that we are so hurt that we need the signs to be obvious. We need the signs to come with our baby's picture attached or a note from God, something just so that we know that we aren't imagining it. And in that way, I think that we often prevent ourselves from seeing what could be there.
I have a small wooden cross necklace that the teddy bear is supposed to be wearing that holds some of Jenni ashes. When she was missing and that was all that they found, I started wearing it. It is uncomfortable and a bit tight. I think that I need to look around for one of those nice necklaces that I can have some of her remains placed in. Something that I can wear all of the time, this necklace wouldn't be appropriate if I were to be getting dressed up. Hopefully I can find an urn necklace reasonably priced, I've seen them before for $150 or less. That's less than most people spend on computer toys or hair appts, so I am really going to make an effort here. I think that it is something that my heart needs. Now, if I can remember the site that I saw them on before....
(go Yankees!) ;->
It's early still, but today feels good. It feels hopeful. I will NOT look for that sign from my baby girl that I have been waiting for since her delivery, but I think that I will be more opened to seeing it if it ends up right infront of me. I've been thinking about 'signs' lately. I have wanted, begged and cried for signs from our baby since I become co-herent about a week and a half after her birth. That first week I was only alive because my body didn't have the sense to shut down. But then I started looking for signs and I wonder if she sent me signs that I have just been unable to see because my grief has been so intense. We look for signs, us mommies. It's a way to contact with our babies. But I also think that we are so hurt that we need the signs to be obvious. We need the signs to come with our baby's picture attached or a note from God, something just so that we know that we aren't imagining it. And in that way, I think that we often prevent ourselves from seeing what could be there.
I have a small wooden cross necklace that the teddy bear is supposed to be wearing that holds some of Jenni ashes. When she was missing and that was all that they found, I started wearing it. It is uncomfortable and a bit tight. I think that I need to look around for one of those nice necklaces that I can have some of her remains placed in. Something that I can wear all of the time, this necklace wouldn't be appropriate if I were to be getting dressed up. Hopefully I can find an urn necklace reasonably priced, I've seen them before for $150 or less. That's less than most people spend on computer toys or hair appts, so I am really going to make an effort here. I think that it is something that my heart needs. Now, if I can remember the site that I saw them on before....
(go Yankees!) ;->
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Sometimes when I come here there really is nothing specific that I have to say, just emotions that lead me here. I've learned and continue to learn so much about 'this', being a parent with a loss, being the parent of a stillborn baby. None of it makes sense. I always thought that there was always a 'reason' for stillbirths. That with today's medical technology that no baby could be born lifeless and there be no reason behind it. I've learned that I am wrong. Babies are delivered everyday in this world, in medically advanced countries, and have no life. I feel moved to share my story to help find answers. We know the reason that 'Jenni' didn't live. We know that there was a cord accident. But I just can't believe that there had to be something that we could have done to know ahead of time to save her. Perhaps parents should have a way in the last trimester to do daily home checks of their babies. I don't know the answer, I just know that there has to be one. This pain is misery. It takes a little more of my life each and everyday. There has to be a reason for my loss, maybe my story, our story... mine & Chris' will help another mommy & daddy to never have to say goodbye the same time that they say hello.
I am thinking about October 15th and what I will do. There is a memorial service happening in the next town over. A candle lighting. To honor the babies gone. I so badly want to go, I just don't know if I am strong enough, especially to go alone. Do I go and just silently remember, do I go and speak out? Do I go and just watch? I guess there is no 'right' answer. I doubt that Chris will go. I understand. This is private to him. He needs to handle this the only way he knows how. I have to respect that. It doesn't mean that he ever wants another family to lose a baby or that he wouldn't do what he could to stop it from happening to someone else. It just means that we all grieve differently. He has been blessed in his life to not have to deal with much death and this is the ultimate in death. Even if this is someone that he never met, it IS someone that he 'knew'. Jenni was his daughter and he had hopes and dreams and love for her and their future together as father and daughter just as I did. We dream of our tomorrows for our children, their education, their first steps, college, future spouses & weddings.... when you lose a child all of those dreams are ripped away along with your heart. Chris never even had the chance to see our daughter in real life, only in pictures and now it is to late. //// So on October 15th what do I do? I know that I will mourn my baby. This loss is so different. I pray for a day when stillbirths are a thing of medical history. But for Chris and I, for so many parents; it will always remain our realities.
I am thinking about October 15th and what I will do. There is a memorial service happening in the next town over. A candle lighting. To honor the babies gone. I so badly want to go, I just don't know if I am strong enough, especially to go alone. Do I go and just silently remember, do I go and speak out? Do I go and just watch? I guess there is no 'right' answer. I doubt that Chris will go. I understand. This is private to him. He needs to handle this the only way he knows how. I have to respect that. It doesn't mean that he ever wants another family to lose a baby or that he wouldn't do what he could to stop it from happening to someone else. It just means that we all grieve differently. He has been blessed in his life to not have to deal with much death and this is the ultimate in death. Even if this is someone that he never met, it IS someone that he 'knew'. Jenni was his daughter and he had hopes and dreams and love for her and their future together as father and daughter just as I did. We dream of our tomorrows for our children, their education, their first steps, college, future spouses & weddings.... when you lose a child all of those dreams are ripped away along with your heart. Chris never even had the chance to see our daughter in real life, only in pictures and now it is to late. //// So on October 15th what do I do? I know that I will mourn my baby. This loss is so different. I pray for a day when stillbirths are a thing of medical history. But for Chris and I, for so many parents; it will always remain our realities.
Three Months In Heaven Today (& Good News)...
I got the call last night that they had found my beautiful baby girl's ashes. The short version of a long, confusing and sorted story that I still don't understand completely is that her urn, remains and all were accidentally packed and placed upstairs in the attic storage area. I am picking her up at the park today from the 'now retiring' funeral director. This isn't finished, but I can now put this blog back on track...
*************************TODAY*************************************************
This very moment 3 months ago, I was laying in the hospital bed feeling like my world had just come to an end. In many ways it did. I was struggling with whether or not to call 'Chris' and give him my room number. He wasn't going to be at the delivery due to personal reasons that arose the night before. He could have come after work that day, but I wanted him there for all or nothing and I didn't know if our baby girl would hold out until he got there. So he was not there. I so badly wanted to call him. I wanted him there, regardless. But somewhere between my pain and my pride I just didn't. I delivered my angel alone. It was THE most traumatic event in my life. I have held dead children in my arms before at car accidents in the town I used to live in, attended their funeral afterwards, and that traumatized me. I could 'see' those babies (7 yrs, 5yrs and 18mths with one 19 mths old survivor), when I was awake, when I slept... I saw them everywhere. I still visit their grave from time to time. But this was different. This was MY baby. MY child. MY flesh, MY blood, MY heart & soul. She was MY little person, mine and Chris'. She was perfect. I don't know what I expected from a stillborn baby, but she was not it. She looked simply like a quiet newborn. But she wasn't quiet, she was silent and still.
Today I mourn the things that I never had and never will....
... I never saw her smile
... I never heard her coo or giggle
... I never changed her wet diaper
... I never had my finger/hand grasped by her little hand
...... and I never will.
This event has changed me. I lost my beautiful baby girl that day. Her father and I had already decided long into the pregnancy that we would focus on being the best friends and best parents that we could be. That was more important than being a couple, being 'us'. I was ok with that. But even the friendship is gone now. So I lost my best friend too. Everything in my life has changed so drastically and traumatically in three months. I can never put into words the feeling of leaving that hospital without my daughter. I chose to remain there until I 'knew' she had left to go to the funeral home. I watched the funeral director take her down the hall in her bassinet, he was talking to her. People did not realize that she was not 'just sleeping'.
People do not know what to say to me now. If you have not been down this road, to have a newborn die, you will never understand this kind of loss regardless of how hard you may try to be sympathetic and understanding. And that's ok. Those of us walking down this road pray that you never have to join us on our journey. Sadly even Chris does not know what to say to me now. What I have learned and am still learning is this.... men and women mourn differently. Very differently. I do not expect that anyone can 'fix' this for me, but if you find yourself talking to a parent that has lost a child know that they don't want you to 'understand' or fix this. They simply want you to 'be there'. Let them talk, cry, laugh and sit quietly and you, just be there for them. Sometimes it is not about what you say, but simply your presence there beside someone, whether physically or in spirit, that gets them through a moment that is killing them inside. And with the loss of a baby, there are many of those moments. And I am still dying inside.
Chris...
If you are following this as I hope that you are since this is mainly intended to help you to understand where I have been in this.... I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain, I am sorry that I failed our baby girl and I am sorry that I failed you and did not call you. You should have gotten to meet your daughter. Maybe someday you can forgive me, but I do understand that day is not today.
*************************TODAY*************************************************
This very moment 3 months ago, I was laying in the hospital bed feeling like my world had just come to an end. In many ways it did. I was struggling with whether or not to call 'Chris' and give him my room number. He wasn't going to be at the delivery due to personal reasons that arose the night before. He could have come after work that day, but I wanted him there for all or nothing and I didn't know if our baby girl would hold out until he got there. So he was not there. I so badly wanted to call him. I wanted him there, regardless. But somewhere between my pain and my pride I just didn't. I delivered my angel alone. It was THE most traumatic event in my life. I have held dead children in my arms before at car accidents in the town I used to live in, attended their funeral afterwards, and that traumatized me. I could 'see' those babies (7 yrs, 5yrs and 18mths with one 19 mths old survivor), when I was awake, when I slept... I saw them everywhere. I still visit their grave from time to time. But this was different. This was MY baby. MY child. MY flesh, MY blood, MY heart & soul. She was MY little person, mine and Chris'. She was perfect. I don't know what I expected from a stillborn baby, but she was not it. She looked simply like a quiet newborn. But she wasn't quiet, she was silent and still.
Today I mourn the things that I never had and never will....
... I never saw her smile
... I never heard her coo or giggle
... I never changed her wet diaper
... I never had my finger/hand grasped by her little hand
...... and I never will.
This event has changed me. I lost my beautiful baby girl that day. Her father and I had already decided long into the pregnancy that we would focus on being the best friends and best parents that we could be. That was more important than being a couple, being 'us'. I was ok with that. But even the friendship is gone now. So I lost my best friend too. Everything in my life has changed so drastically and traumatically in three months. I can never put into words the feeling of leaving that hospital without my daughter. I chose to remain there until I 'knew' she had left to go to the funeral home. I watched the funeral director take her down the hall in her bassinet, he was talking to her. People did not realize that she was not 'just sleeping'.
People do not know what to say to me now. If you have not been down this road, to have a newborn die, you will never understand this kind of loss regardless of how hard you may try to be sympathetic and understanding. And that's ok. Those of us walking down this road pray that you never have to join us on our journey. Sadly even Chris does not know what to say to me now. What I have learned and am still learning is this.... men and women mourn differently. Very differently. I do not expect that anyone can 'fix' this for me, but if you find yourself talking to a parent that has lost a child know that they don't want you to 'understand' or fix this. They simply want you to 'be there'. Let them talk, cry, laugh and sit quietly and you, just be there for them. Sometimes it is not about what you say, but simply your presence there beside someone, whether physically or in spirit, that gets them through a moment that is killing them inside. And with the loss of a baby, there are many of those moments. And I am still dying inside.
Chris...
If you are following this as I hope that you are since this is mainly intended to help you to understand where I have been in this.... I am sorry. I am sorry for the pain, I am sorry that I failed our baby girl and I am sorry that I failed you and did not call you. You should have gotten to meet your daughter. Maybe someday you can forgive me, but I do understand that day is not today.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I Just Want to Give Up.....
and go to sleep and let the rest of the world go on around us. Until Jenni is home with her father or I, I just want to sleep. I am so incredibly unhappy. I find very little happiness in the other areas of my life, and yes that includes my other children. I know that makes me sound like some awful person. I do LOVE my other children and I am sure that I would feel this way if they were gone, but it's Jenni that is gone. I feel like I am dying inside and I honestly don't care to fight.
Maybe to medicine that is supposed to make me well, but makes me feel worse,,, well eventually make it all make sense. But for now, it makes me feel pretty much out of my head and that will work, at least for now.
I am sorry mommies and daddies, THIS is not how this blog was supposed to be. But I was also never supposed to have given birth to a silent baby nor was I ever supposed to lose her daddy, my best friend at the most painful time in my life either.... so I don't know what what I am supposed to do now. Please be patient with me and I will do my best to remove my head from my butt and get this back on line and do right by this blog... do right by all of my children, those here and those in heaven.... namely Angel Baby Jennifer.... DOB/DOD July 8, 2009 8:03pm
Maybe to medicine that is supposed to make me well, but makes me feel worse,,, well eventually make it all make sense. But for now, it makes me feel pretty much out of my head and that will work, at least for now.
I am sorry mommies and daddies, THIS is not how this blog was supposed to be. But I was also never supposed to have given birth to a silent baby nor was I ever supposed to lose her daddy, my best friend at the most painful time in my life either.... so I don't know what what I am supposed to do now. Please be patient with me and I will do my best to remove my head from my butt and get this back on line and do right by this blog... do right by all of my children, those here and those in heaven.... namely Angel Baby Jennifer.... DOB/DOD July 8, 2009 8:03pm
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Things that I will NOT regret...
You always think afterwards... 'I wish that I had done this or not done that'. With that brief amount of time back and forth between what I was willing to believe or accept, I had time to think about this. And so I had some thoughts about what I wanted to do when Jennifer was born still. This is a list of those things, it may not be complete. If I remember more things as I go, I will edit and add. If you know of someone that is facing an early infant death or a stillbirth, share this information with them. It can save them a lot of heartache in the long run.
I changed her clean diaper... twice.
I changed her clothes.
I talked to her and read to her and sang to her.
I stripped her completely naked and looked her over head to toe to see what looked like who...
she has my toes, his ears, etc... still trying to decide where she got the butt cheek dimples.
She stayed with me almost the eintire time, except for a brief 30-60 minutes while I showered &
got cleaned up.
I had my camera and had the nurse take some pictures & had in mind what I wanted (the cord
being cut, gunky covered baby etc...)
She layed on my chest and we 'napped' together (our eyes were closed & people left because
they thought we were asleep).
We discussed her grammy in heaven & how she was going to take care of her until I got there.
I got footprints and a lock of hair for myself and her daddy (even though he was not there).
I sent her to heaven with pictures of her siblings, her dad & I and flags of her heritage.
*********
I did NOT give her her bath and I truly wish that I had.
I did not get her hand prints which I really wish I had done.
I wish that I had called her daddy when it was confirmed that she was going to be stillborn &
left that choice up to him completely. I needed him there for her birth though, not just
whenever he could get there. But I could have had him call before he was leaving & if it was to
late then not have him come. But God, I needed him. WE needed a picture of the 3 of us.
I wish that I had a better picture of her and I where both of our faces are showing & there may
be one in the keepsake boxes for her daddy & I that the nurse sent me that I've not been able
to open yet.
I changed her clean diaper... twice.
I changed her clothes.
I talked to her and read to her and sang to her.
I stripped her completely naked and looked her over head to toe to see what looked like who...
she has my toes, his ears, etc... still trying to decide where she got the butt cheek dimples.
She stayed with me almost the eintire time, except for a brief 30-60 minutes while I showered &
got cleaned up.
I had my camera and had the nurse take some pictures & had in mind what I wanted (the cord
being cut, gunky covered baby etc...)
She layed on my chest and we 'napped' together (our eyes were closed & people left because
they thought we were asleep).
We discussed her grammy in heaven & how she was going to take care of her until I got there.
I got footprints and a lock of hair for myself and her daddy (even though he was not there).
I sent her to heaven with pictures of her siblings, her dad & I and flags of her heritage.
*********
I did NOT give her her bath and I truly wish that I had.
I did not get her hand prints which I really wish I had done.
I wish that I had called her daddy when it was confirmed that she was going to be stillborn &
left that choice up to him completely. I needed him there for her birth though, not just
whenever he could get there. But I could have had him call before he was leaving & if it was to
late then not have him come. But God, I needed him. WE needed a picture of the 3 of us.
I wish that I had a better picture of her and I where both of our faces are showing & there may
be one in the keepsake boxes for her daddy & I that the nurse sent me that I've not been able
to open yet.
*** A Major Crisis *** 12 weeks since she was born...
I have not been able to do this blog justice as I had hoped. I do hope to be able to return here soon. However when I went to pick up my baby girl's ashes last week they were unable to find them. Yes, in a simple sentence, they have lost my daughter's remains. My heart was already crushed from losing her. I don't know how much more I can take. It is a legal issue and as wonderful as Chris was with all of this last weekend, he has been really awful and unsupportive for the last three days. It's almost as if, when I left his house I took the burden and the need to fight for our daughter with me. Anyway, please understand if this blog isn't updated daily as I had hoped, but please do not leave and give up on it. I feel that there is a lot to be learned here. Perhaps this is a lesson in itself. A very wise friend of mine said that miscarried, stillborn and babies that die from early infant death never have a voice of their own and that maybe this is Jenni's way of being heard. Her way of saying 'hey, I WAS here and I am just like my mama... stubborn and want someone to learn something from my exsistance'... This blog is Jenni's voice.
Today it has been twelve weeks since my beautiful baby angel came into the world still and silent. I look at her pictures and she looks like she is crying in one of them. I do internet searches for poems on grief. I walk around aimlessly with no real thought of direction. Survival is even more than I can phathom at this time. I have times where I DON'T want to survive without Jenny here. The song 'Smallest and Wingless' by Craig Cardiff is beautiful. It says more than any parent of a lost child could.... 'We said hello at the same time we said Goodbye'. The thing for me is where the song says .... "We closed the curtains, Held each other, And cried"... I didn't have this. Chris wasn't there, so there was no one there to hold me and to cry with me. The delivery room door closed and everyone left me there alone to process it. I was there alone. No one to hold me, no one to hold and knowing that I would not be taking our baby girl home. Knowing that her siblings would never know her, that her grandparents would never know here... I had no one, no one but my baby when she was born.
Dear 'daughter', we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
By: Craig Cardiff
Today it has been twelve weeks since my beautiful baby angel came into the world still and silent. I look at her pictures and she looks like she is crying in one of them. I do internet searches for poems on grief. I walk around aimlessly with no real thought of direction. Survival is even more than I can phathom at this time. I have times where I DON'T want to survive without Jenny here. The song 'Smallest and Wingless' by Craig Cardiff is beautiful. It says more than any parent of a lost child could.... 'We said hello at the same time we said Goodbye'. The thing for me is where the song says .... "We closed the curtains, Held each other, And cried"... I didn't have this. Chris wasn't there, so there was no one there to hold me and to cry with me. The delivery room door closed and everyone left me there alone to process it. I was there alone. No one to hold me, no one to hold and knowing that I would not be taking our baby girl home. Knowing that her siblings would never know her, that her grandparents would never know here... I had no one, no one but my baby when she was born.
Dear 'daughter', we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other, And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
By: Craig Cardiff
Thursday, September 24, 2009
11 weeks today...
It has been 11 weeks today (Wednesday) since my beautiful angel came into this world silent. I have experienced multiple miscarriages in my life and I was devastated. I thought that life would end as I knew it. But when my baby girl 'Jenni' came into this world on July 8th, 2009 still, I no longer thought that my life would end, it did. I felt moved to make this blog hoping that in the end, I would say something here that would help here daddy understand why I have to talk about 'Jenni' and stillbirth. I try to tell him, but the words just don't come out like I want them to or like he needs them to, in order to make sense. He feels that this is a very private thing & that it should be kept between us. There will always be a certain amount of this that I will keep private, but I need to talk about 'Jenni' for many reasons. First I am so very proud of the nine months that we had with her growing inside of me. She was so perfect, a head FULL of black hair, perfect skin and teeny hands & feet. I feel that by not talking about her I am hiding her out of shame. You see 'Jenni' wasn't a planned pregnancy nor was she born in wedlock. In the eyes of some, she was an 'accident', but in my eyes she was never an accident, even if the act that got us there was questionable. Let me explain that her daddy & I are both real honest to goodness adults, as he says 'with our own credit cards and keys'. We are both in the over 35 crowd when she was conceived & older when she was born. For me, consenting adults do not make 'accidents' we make choices. 'Jenni's' daddy 'Chris' & I had a complicated time during the pregnancy. We met as friends and bonding in a way that most people are not blessed to find in their entire life. When neither of us were looking for a friendship as close as what we found, we also found that our hearts opened to a place that neither of us thought we'd even thinking for a long time to come (we were both healing from the end of marriages). We often tried to convince ourselves that we needed to step back, just be friends. There were even times when we tried to walk away from it all together. In the end, God, Fate, The Universe... whatever you want to label it, kept bringing us back together. But we are both quite the stubborn set of people and we often get in the way of an awesome friendship. We decided when we found out that Jenni was on her way, that we would focus on being friends and being the best parents to all of the children involved (between the two of us, there were already 4 other children involved). But even then, we couldn't always walk away from the intimate times. Not just the physical, but the emotionally intimate times. Those meant the most.
Time passed by, I 'grew with child'. His first Christmas without family around, he was with my children & I. I met his family briefly at Thanksgiving. I hadn't even gotten to the highway when my cell phone rang & it was him calling to find out what I thought of his parents (THEY wanted to know). I was blown away. I had wanted to know what they thought about me. Chris has been a great guy in many ways for my children and I. He opens his home when I need to bug bomb the house or when we had a small fire and a bigger fire and when I had two field mice move in when we were out of town for a week. The kids & I load up and move over. He was on the other end of a cell phone when my youngest had a tumor removed from her leg & it looked like she was going to be staying in the hospital. He was going to come over an hour away to the Children's Hospital to get my other two children & take them back home to our home or to his. Wherever I needed them to be to feel safe. When we got her biopsy results back, he was there standing with us, by my side at her leg. Thank God it was benign.
I shared that so that you will know that yes with some of this that you will read will make Chris look like some awful man. But he is not really. He is not the most thoughtful person, but thoughtfulness is something that you are raised with and if he wasn't taught that growing up, then I am not sure that at 40 it is something that he will learn now. I have also learned myself that men and women mourn very differently. Chris was not the most supportive during the pregnancy. When he was supportive, he was better than 'the Daddy of the Year'. Sadly those times were as erratic as my hormones were during the pregnancy. That lead to a lot of tension and doubts and in the end, it left me in labor and delivery ALONE. I gave birth knowing that our baby girl would be gone when I saw her and held her for the first time, alone with no support.
I guess I should back up a little. I had been kicked off of the 'natural induction' list 2x because of the number of emergency births and inductions topped the inductions where both mom and baby appeared to be healthy and not 'in stress'. So the third time I said the heck with it and I decided that I wasn't going in. Jenni would come when she was ready. Although by then, my original due date had me way over due. Chris was talking to his dad, his brother, his ex wife and such and they were feeding his thoughts that 'something wasn't right'. They were feeding his thoughts that 'maybe I had gotten pregnant on purpose'. That hurt me so badly when I heard that he thought that at any point. I would never intentionally get pregnant. He has since admitted that he has always known that but at the time, it didn't help. It only created more chaos between us. I finally went in for an induction, after having spent an awesomely incredible night with Chris. The plan was for him to sleep in just a little since we had been up late, I would go ahead, go by my house and spend the wee morning hours with them, then head over to the hospital. Once I was in the L&D room, I would call him and he could come on over, we expected that he'd be there by the time they started the epidural.
They hooked me up to monitors and more and more nurses came in. Then the doctor came in and then I was told that my daughter was 'gone'. But they wouldn't allow me to see the u/s at the time. I got mad, got my clothes on and insisted that I would get a second opinion. I came home, crawled on the couch and cried. I finally touched base with Chris the next day I think (although it could have been that night). He was angry. He thought that I was just blowing him off for our daughter's birth. I asked if I could come over, he said not if I didn't tell him what was said. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him over the phone that they were telling me that our angel was gone. He asked if something was wrong and I said yes. But that was all that I could say. We hung up. An extremely short time later, he called me back and asked me if I still wanted to come over, I said yes and he told me he thought that I should.
I went over and I stayed for a few days (3 or 4) and made calls but before I called my primary doctor, she called me. The decision was made that the only OB that they had in their practice would take over & delivery Jenni with my doctor's hand holding. I went into her office, they had already gotten the paperwork & were waiting for me. They listened for a heartbeat & found none. I left feeling completely defeated. I went to Chris' and just feel into his arms and cried and cried and cried. My baby girl was an angel. I had to have a few days to process it all & plan so I took a few days before we scheduled the induction. In those few days I had used WAY to much internet and read stories where this had happened and the doctors were wrong, the babies were born healthy. My mind shifted gears. I was 110% certain the day of delivery that she was going to come into the world screaming that it took so long. I thought that I had convinced Chris that my feelings, my mother's heart was right. That our Jenni was ok. So here we go again.... I leave his house on Tuesday & his ex brings over their son so she can go to work & instructs him that she does NOT want this son to go to daycare the next day because he has a cold. It's just a cold, no fever, very minor cough and felt fine. But that meant that on that Wednesday, on THAT July 8th, Chris would have to stay at home with his son until his ex wife was off of work at the end of the day and then the hour to get to the hospital before he could be there to support me or for the delivery of Jenni knowing that the doctor's believed she was gone, even if I didn't. So we had a HUGE fight on the phone Tuesday night and I told him to forget it. NOT to come. If he couldn't make the choice to send his barely coughing child to daycare so that he could be at the birth of his last child & only girl, that he had named (when he was 8 y.o btw), then he had no right to come to the hospital after all of the work had been done. Wednesday past and at 8:03pm Jenni came into this world weighing 7lbs 7oz 19 1/4 long with a lot of dark hair. She was perfect. The two things that were missing were her daddy and her heartbeat. Quickly my heart left too.
It still has not come back. Jenni is gone and my life is completely wrecked and I feel like a hamster on the wheel. I can't get off and even if I could, I am often afraid if I did, that Jenni would begin to fade in my mind. I NEVER want her to fade.
Time passed by, I 'grew with child'. His first Christmas without family around, he was with my children & I. I met his family briefly at Thanksgiving. I hadn't even gotten to the highway when my cell phone rang & it was him calling to find out what I thought of his parents (THEY wanted to know). I was blown away. I had wanted to know what they thought about me. Chris has been a great guy in many ways for my children and I. He opens his home when I need to bug bomb the house or when we had a small fire and a bigger fire and when I had two field mice move in when we were out of town for a week. The kids & I load up and move over. He was on the other end of a cell phone when my youngest had a tumor removed from her leg & it looked like she was going to be staying in the hospital. He was going to come over an hour away to the Children's Hospital to get my other two children & take them back home to our home or to his. Wherever I needed them to be to feel safe. When we got her biopsy results back, he was there standing with us, by my side at her leg. Thank God it was benign.
I shared that so that you will know that yes with some of this that you will read will make Chris look like some awful man. But he is not really. He is not the most thoughtful person, but thoughtfulness is something that you are raised with and if he wasn't taught that growing up, then I am not sure that at 40 it is something that he will learn now. I have also learned myself that men and women mourn very differently. Chris was not the most supportive during the pregnancy. When he was supportive, he was better than 'the Daddy of the Year'. Sadly those times were as erratic as my hormones were during the pregnancy. That lead to a lot of tension and doubts and in the end, it left me in labor and delivery ALONE. I gave birth knowing that our baby girl would be gone when I saw her and held her for the first time, alone with no support.
I guess I should back up a little. I had been kicked off of the 'natural induction' list 2x because of the number of emergency births and inductions topped the inductions where both mom and baby appeared to be healthy and not 'in stress'. So the third time I said the heck with it and I decided that I wasn't going in. Jenni would come when she was ready. Although by then, my original due date had me way over due. Chris was talking to his dad, his brother, his ex wife and such and they were feeding his thoughts that 'something wasn't right'. They were feeding his thoughts that 'maybe I had gotten pregnant on purpose'. That hurt me so badly when I heard that he thought that at any point. I would never intentionally get pregnant. He has since admitted that he has always known that but at the time, it didn't help. It only created more chaos between us. I finally went in for an induction, after having spent an awesomely incredible night with Chris. The plan was for him to sleep in just a little since we had been up late, I would go ahead, go by my house and spend the wee morning hours with them, then head over to the hospital. Once I was in the L&D room, I would call him and he could come on over, we expected that he'd be there by the time they started the epidural.
They hooked me up to monitors and more and more nurses came in. Then the doctor came in and then I was told that my daughter was 'gone'. But they wouldn't allow me to see the u/s at the time. I got mad, got my clothes on and insisted that I would get a second opinion. I came home, crawled on the couch and cried. I finally touched base with Chris the next day I think (although it could have been that night). He was angry. He thought that I was just blowing him off for our daughter's birth. I asked if I could come over, he said not if I didn't tell him what was said. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him over the phone that they were telling me that our angel was gone. He asked if something was wrong and I said yes. But that was all that I could say. We hung up. An extremely short time later, he called me back and asked me if I still wanted to come over, I said yes and he told me he thought that I should.
I went over and I stayed for a few days (3 or 4) and made calls but before I called my primary doctor, she called me. The decision was made that the only OB that they had in their practice would take over & delivery Jenni with my doctor's hand holding. I went into her office, they had already gotten the paperwork & were waiting for me. They listened for a heartbeat & found none. I left feeling completely defeated. I went to Chris' and just feel into his arms and cried and cried and cried. My baby girl was an angel. I had to have a few days to process it all & plan so I took a few days before we scheduled the induction. In those few days I had used WAY to much internet and read stories where this had happened and the doctors were wrong, the babies were born healthy. My mind shifted gears. I was 110% certain the day of delivery that she was going to come into the world screaming that it took so long. I thought that I had convinced Chris that my feelings, my mother's heart was right. That our Jenni was ok. So here we go again.... I leave his house on Tuesday & his ex brings over their son so she can go to work & instructs him that she does NOT want this son to go to daycare the next day because he has a cold. It's just a cold, no fever, very minor cough and felt fine. But that meant that on that Wednesday, on THAT July 8th, Chris would have to stay at home with his son until his ex wife was off of work at the end of the day and then the hour to get to the hospital before he could be there to support me or for the delivery of Jenni knowing that the doctor's believed she was gone, even if I didn't. So we had a HUGE fight on the phone Tuesday night and I told him to forget it. NOT to come. If he couldn't make the choice to send his barely coughing child to daycare so that he could be at the birth of his last child & only girl, that he had named (when he was 8 y.o btw), then he had no right to come to the hospital after all of the work had been done. Wednesday past and at 8:03pm Jenni came into this world weighing 7lbs 7oz 19 1/4 long with a lot of dark hair. She was perfect. The two things that were missing were her daddy and her heartbeat. Quickly my heart left too.
It still has not come back. Jenni is gone and my life is completely wrecked and I feel like a hamster on the wheel. I can't get off and even if I could, I am often afraid if I did, that Jenni would begin to fade in my mind. I NEVER want her to fade.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Beginning...
This blog will be multifaceted in nature. It is to honor all of the angel babies, it is to share the stages of grief & it is to educate others! I believe that knowledge is the key to a better future. When a person has experienced a loss of any sort, many people will not understand. Grief may have the five common stages, but we all suffer differently. Some people never sincerely experience grief because they choose not to. It will be these people that will suffer the most extreme loss someday, because eventually it will all come to pass; for everyone. Death is not something that we can hide from forever.
I also hope that with the information about miscarriages, stillbirth & early infant loss; that it will improve the odds for the future of those yet to be conceived. Knowledge is the key to prevention. If this blog helps to save one baby from joining my angels to soon, then it will somehow in some strange way, make my loss(es) make sense.
I speak from the heart of a wounded & broken mother, not as a therapist. The information I share will be personal or information that I have found in my journey towards healing. I welcome the KIND wisdom & input from anyone that reads here. And PLEASE share this blog with anyone & everyone that you know; spreading the word & spreading the knowledge can save a baby's life.
I also hope that with the information about miscarriages, stillbirth & early infant loss; that it will improve the odds for the future of those yet to be conceived. Knowledge is the key to prevention. If this blog helps to save one baby from joining my angels to soon, then it will somehow in some strange way, make my loss(es) make sense.
I speak from the heart of a wounded & broken mother, not as a therapist. The information I share will be personal or information that I have found in my journey towards healing. I welcome the KIND wisdom & input from anyone that reads here. And PLEASE share this blog with anyone & everyone that you know; spreading the word & spreading the knowledge can save a baby's life.
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